28 February 2009

Silly Biker - Roads are for Idiots

You know, every once in a while I will be thinking some inane thought and the idea will hit me to write about it; most of the time I ignore it which explains the significant lack of activity here at Motorcycles Have No Doors. So let me catch everyone up on my latest brainshower. The weather here has been warm for a few days, although not today; today it's in the 50's and generally blah, but I digress. The weather has been nice enough for me to fire up the bike and ride to work; now, since I work on what is essentially an Air Force Base, that means I always have to wear "contrasting colors", boots, gloves, eye protection and helmet. For my contrasting colors I have a Harley-Davidson riding jacket (not leather) that is bright Harley orange with bright white lettering and black trim. This jacket makes me stand out like a sore thumb on the road and therefore qualifies under the Air Force's definition of contrasting colors.

Now what do you think is going on around me on the road when I'm on a motorcycle with loud pipes and wearing a bright orange jacket. If you say you think other drivers see me and treat my vehicle like every other vehicle on the road you would be wrong, wrong, wrong. Personally I think my bright orange jacket and loud pipes actually attract drivers much like a moth to a flame or a dog to a juicy bone. For example, the other day I was coming home, going down the same street I travel every day to and from work. This street has a very wide curve in it and at the end of the curve is a cross street that has a STOP sign at the intersection of the two streets. So, here I am on the street coming out of the curve when a white SUV piloted by what I call Airheadicus Womanicus Americanus, or your typical oblivious idiot woman driver on a cell phone arrives at the STOP sign. I see her and I lay off the throttle and downshift from my lightning fast 35mph (which is the legal limit on this street) because I just know what idiot woman is going to do.

What do you think she did? If you say you think she blew the STOP sign and pulled out right in front of me I would say DING DING DING!!!! you are right! Yes campers, this really bright "I can do anything a man can do" type feminasty did not even slow down for the STOP sign, she blew right through it and turned left with me directly in her path...me, on my motorcycle with THREE very bright lights on the front, loud pipes AND the bright orange jacket. Good thing I already know the level of stupidity of any idiot, male or female, who talks on their cell phone while behind the wheel. Armed with that little golden nugget of knowledge I anticipated what idiot woman was going to do and slowed down just barely enough to keep from slamming into her or going off the road or into oncoming traffic. Now, on top of the bright lights, loud pipes and bright orange jacket I was also laying on a neat little invention called a horn.

Wanna take a guess what the really smart feminasty did when she finally realized she cut off a motorcycle? Well, the first thing she did was hit her brakes, then sped up when I had to pass on the left to keep from hitting her AGAIN. The best part of this is when I was alongside I yelled and flipped her off and she didn't even look! Nope, she stayed right on that cell phone and didn't even blink an eye. Now, some may say my boorish behavior may have scared her (we all know how incredibly rude it is to be angry with a good Mississippi Christian, especially after they almost mowed you down with their car) and that is why she didn't look at me; I think it was because she was really that oblivious and moronic.

So, I want to start something here; in the comments section at the end of this post I would like everyone who reads this to share their own harrowing experiences with oblivious drivers. You don't have to be on a motorcycle but I will bet the motorcycle stories will be much more hair-raising and interesting! OR, if you happen to take offense with my description of the typical idiotic driver of the female persuasion please let me know that as well...the more colorful the better! Ready.....Set.....GO!!!


  1. Gee, I get to be the first! Yippee!

    So here's my story - one of quite a few I could tell, actually.

    Me, the wife, and a friend of ours are on the last 40 mile leg of our return journey from the H-D York Factory Open House in York, PA in September, 2004. The trip has been a good one, with the ride going and the ride so far being nice and event-free. As we pass through one of the many podunk town in that part of New Jersey (I was living in Wantage, NJ at the time) we were on a four-lane undivided highway which was about to turn into a two-land undivided highway. This was going to happen when the right lanes on both sides of the highway just faded out, with plenty of posted warning signs along the way. Well, as luck would have it, in the lane to our right is some blonde airhead soccer mom yakking on her phone while driving her mini-van, and seeing the sign ahead that tells her that her lane is about to run out, she decides to change lanes.

    Without a signal. And without looking. Wanna guess who was beside her at the time? ALL THREE OF US, with me in the lead.

    The girls backed way off the throttle and hit the brakes, while I hit the horn and started screaming my head off at the woman while maintaining my lane. Yeah, I'm a stubborn SOB at times. The woman's window was down, and the combination of the horn and the string of obscenities flying at her scared the living crap out of her, and she changed lanes back over to the right so fast that she nearly ran off the road. Then she hit the gas and was gone, with me in hot pursuit. After about six miles of chasing her I calmed down enought to realize that I was only making a fool out of myself, so I slowed down and let the girls catch up to me. The rest of the ride was uneventful.

    Like I said, that's only one of many stories I could tell, as any biker can.

  2. Yeah, I got a thousand different stories like these and 99% of them involve dumb-ass, stupid, idiotic, moronic, oblivious women drivers; EVERY single one of the women were on a freakin cell phone! It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the sad fact these stupid-ass women actually think they smarter than men...I laugh every time I hear a feminasty talk about how women are better than men...well I tell ya what ladies, when you can face me down and PROVE you are better than me at ANYTHING I can do then I might think about respecting you...

  3. I just started riding (bought my first motorcycle two weeks ago), so these stories of yours give me a solid heads-up on what to look for. My last experience with riding before buying the bike was with 150cc Yamaha's back in high school, so I see now that I have a whole new level of stupidity to look forward to when it comes to other drivers on the roads.

  4. Last Man, this is but a taste of the stupidity of cagers. Just today I almost got creamed on my bike by yet another oblivious airhead woman yammering away on her cell phone while almost running me off the road. I'm tellin ya, 99.9% of women should not be allowed to drive...EVER!!!!!

  5. Mississippi CajunMarch 11, 2009 at 2:57 PM

    Well, you already know the harrowing details of my last ride, but to share with the world at large, I was on my way to work one fine Spring morning when this nice lady in a SUV left-turned me. The end result was the destruction of a perfectly good Harley and my left leg. The nice lady crossed a couple of lanes to get to me on the far right side of the highway, and you can bet she was oblivious to that oncoming vehicle who happened to be me. I mean, from the turn bay she was in before the turn, you could see unimpeded down the road for over a mile on my side so the only way she didn't see me was because she was not looking in the first place. Now who in their right mind would cross a major highway into oncoming traffic without looking first? Even if the light there was in her favor, I would think it might serve as a courtesy to the rest of humankind to take a peek to see if anything might be coming at her if she proceeded. Well, her inattention to that little detail cost me a good touring class motorcycle, a week in the hospital recovering from the surgery, and another couple of months in assorted casts and wheelchairs recovering enough to teach myself how to walk again. Now I can't say with any certainty that she was on her cell, but I'd bet money on it. Every close call I have had in the last few years on motorcycles involved someone on a cell phone. Why should this be any different?