04 January 2009


Has anybody been watching tv lately? Specifically the specialty channels like HGTV and Food Network? Hell, even any of the other channels at any time of the day or night...anybody? Ok, so you're probably sitting there reading this and looking around you saying out loud, "I don't watch much tv..." Ok, it's your story you can tell it any way you like.

Chances are if you watch ANY television at all, you have seen the adverts featuring Billy Mays screaming about the next greatest thing you absolutely have to have. You may have seen the adverts for "The Snuggie" or "The 2-Way Draft Blocker" or "The Egg Cooker Thing" or maybe "The Pasta Cooker Thing for The Hopelessly Inept."

Seriously, folks, do we really need this crap? I mean is there really somebody out there who can't boil water and put the pasta in the pot, or put the eggs in the pot and then boil the water? Is there truly anybody out there who CAN'T grill a freakin hamburger? Maybe you are asking right now, 'What in the world is a "Snuggie?' Well think of a blanket with arms or a Franciscan Monk's robe. Seriously, what did we ever do without these earth shattering inventions? Here's a good one for you, "The Water Globe" You put the water in and stick the thing into your potted plant's soil and it "automatically" waters your plants...you know, because you're so dumb you can't figure out how to water a plant on your own. Or better yet, ladies are you tired of lugging around a big heavy purse? All you need is the "Purse Organizer" and you are set! You can load it up with every possible accessory you can think of and THEN hang it on your shoulder! I love the video of this one...in black and white here's a woman who is having a hard time carrying a big heavy purse; then, in color, she is carrying this thing that has everything she had in the old purse only now she's smiling and carrying it like it's light as a feather.

Do they think we are really that stupid? I mean, who is sitting there watching tv thinking, "WOW, I never could figure out how to cut a tomato or cook pasta or boil eggs...all I have to do is get this latest gadget and my life will be perfect!" Do we really need a digital voice recorder to tell us we need eggs in the grocery? Are you really going to stand there like a fweeb holding the thing to your ear, nodding your head and smiling an idiotic smile as you listen to your own voice?

Don't you love how they start every one of these in black and white with some moronic line like, "Ever been frustrated when your boiled eggs come out wrong?" and there's the black and white video with a woman holding a really messed up egg and shaking her head looking like she's gonna cry. What really kills me is this crap is shown on Food Network, a specialty channel for foodies!!! Seriously, if I am sitting there watching a chef prepare beef wellington I'm really not interested in the eggerator thing.

I brought up Billy Mays earlier...come on dude, do you HAVE to be that annoying? Okay, so maybe the oxi-cleaner crap does work but COME ON, do you REALLY think we need a "mini-hamburger" cooker? Every time this idiot comes on, I just want to slap him upside the head and tell him SHUT UP, WE DON'T CARE!!!

Oh well, maybe I can just sit back and quietly laugh at the goobers and easily led bumpkins as they walk around with the voice recorder up to their ear. Maybe I should make an infomercial for never being taken again...I could start it in black and white with the off-screen voice saying something like, "Are you tired of throwing your money away on stupid infomercial gadgets?" I could make the video with a guy surrounded in waist deep gadgets shaking his head and slapping his forehead. Then we transition to color video with the guy reading a book with a big dopey grin on his face and the voice says something like, "You don't have to fall for those ads...just buy this book 'How Not To Be A Dumb-Ass'!!! In this book you will learn techniques like changing the channel or turning the tv off...in a matter of days you will feel smarter!" Do you think it would work? I could charge $19.99 and throw in an extra like a cool bookmarker...but wait, there's more!!!!


  1. *is laughing as she takes Poppa down off the soapbox* You're gonna give yourself a coronary thrombosis, you know.

    I like to people watch sometimes. It's fun!

    Love you!